The invincible 20s and the fear of turning 30
Everyone around me either has turned 30 or over the age of 30, with me being one of the few in my circle that hadn’t made that quantum leap. The fear of turning 30 isn’t of reasons of vanity, but of an overwhelming feeling of “so much to do in such short time”. I have mentally created several goals that I would like to accomplish by the age of 30, but knowing that I have a little over a year to do it all, can be a little fearsome. The almost overwhelming feeling is knowing that I have a little person that I have to make a better life for. To be a mother means to make sacrifices. Sacrifices that benefits your children. And with the sacrifices I have made, I became someone I never thought I wanted to be, and that’s a homebody. Before I had Michael, I was social and extroverted. Socially inclined to build a name for myself in the most honest way possible. Once I had Michael, however, I wanted to remain home and stay with him. I imagined this was something I was suppose to do. I believed if I picked up where I left off before I had a child, I would be seen as neglectful and selfish. It was something I have witnessed my mom do, stay at home. I would go to school for eight hours and get home to find dinner done, laundry finished, the house spotless and my mom at home. But after a while, I came to the realization that my mom was distressed. She missed her social life and her friends as well. She finally lost them because she didn’t make time for them, because she was always with us. She was always there, at home. I watched different tv programs, films, etc. and I saw that women can be great mothers and have an active social life too. And I thought to myself, “Don’t Michael have the right to know about his mom from before?”
I never could guess how hard it would be to pick up after being a stay at home mom for most of the last four years. And I don’t believe a lot of people do, especially children less people. There are a good deal of motivation and persistence that is required to make shit happen. Particularly when it’s just you. When I think of turning 30, I think of owning my own business, owning a house or at least renting a beautiful one, riding a nice car, enjoying fine living and making friends and family happy. That’s my ideal imagery of 30 years old. But once more, that’s what I would imagine myself at 30 would be. I recognize a lot of people haven’t even decided what they wanted to do in life by that age and I also understand that a lot of people haven’t even reached their peak in their careers neither.
Then where does the mindset of “Getting everything done” in your 20s come from? You are at your most prime, straight out of high school, right? Then you’re supposed to be in hustle mode, a beast in your career field, take no prisoners and no bullshit, correct? Well, what if you are a hustler in your profession, the first to come and last to leave, you extend yourself so thin and yet, still don’t see any progression. What happens now? See I got caught up in the thought that I am suppose to have my shit together before 30. A stable career, all the “party and bullshit” out of my system and my priorities are laser focused on creating my life. But at times, I still feel that party girl in me, who has been beaten severely and hogged tied into a closet by the mother in me. So as I sat and asked myself several questions about what I wanted to make out with my life and how I wanted to avoid a mundane and boring career path as humanly possible, I discovered what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Public Relations!
It took me a long time and serious soul searching to figure out my life purpose, because I am a woman who wants to do EVERYTHING but could never stick to it. I was very much like the character Lynn from UPN’s (now My9) and then WB’s Girlfriends. I would come across a idea, a good one, a great idea and for awhile that one idea would get 98% of my undivided attention. But then, another idea would come and my first idea would get 75% of my attention, and then 50% while a third idea would come along. And by the time I realized what I’ve done, I would have five different incomplete projects. That’s the story of my life. Too much in too little of time.Becoming a mom helped me focus on one thing at a time, and that was being a mother. Making sure that my son was provided for and taken care of. But now, Michael is four years old, in Pre-K and in school full time. Honestly, I had the separation anxiety more than he did. But now, I have the opportunity to make up for lost time, to get back into the swing of things. And deep down inside, I feel like I’m running out of time.
I understand that the only way you can show your children how to find for themselves, and how to handle themselves in the workforce is to lead by example. And I am working on mastering that technique, teaching my son how to be a success story by becoming one, myself. The fear of turning 30 isn’t of reasons of vanity, but of an overwhelming feeling of “so much to do in such short time”. I have approximately 1 year, 3 months and 2 days to accomplish my most important goal that I have, and that’s making a change in our lives by February of 2017. And whether that is packing up our lives and moving west, making 60k a year or even going back to school. I shall overcome this fear of the “deadline” that I have created for myself.