As I am sitting here writing this, I am listening to “I used to Love Someone” by Anthony Hamilton from his “Soulife” album. This song has gotten me through some real heartbreaks in the past. As the narrator of the song, Anthony talks about a woman who he once used to sustain a love for. How she changed on him, how she used to speak so freely about her thoughts and then she became a stranger to him. “I used to love someone, but now I’m on the run. She had a hold on me, stripping the walls of my heart.”
I figured if I wrote about it and continue to write about it, perhaps I will find the courage that I need to let go and move on. But it hasn’t worked yet. I am not yet sure if I am going to post this, I am just writing off the top of my head. Do you believe in twin flames? Soul mates? A happily ever after? It took me a really long time to believe in those things again. I honestly thought it was a crock of shit. I have in mind, some people are meant to be loved, while others are meant to love. People are meant to be adored, while others are meant to adore after. Right? I wonder how my heart managed to still beat after being broken so many times in the past. When it feels like people come into your life, fucks it all to hell and then leave, with you having to put everything back together once more. Only for the next storm to come and do the exact same.
Next month, I will be 29 years old and I started dating at about 14 years old. And in those 15 years, I have come across some really great guys and I have met some really bad ones. And although, I know how to differentiate between the two, I still feel deep down inside that I attract these people into my life, but at what price? I never was comfortable openly expressing hurt before. Being hurt or being put in a place to be hurt was a sign of weakness to me. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t something you talk about it. Sometimes, I would get so angry at that specific man that I held it all in, hoping that in some telepathic way, he would hurt too. It never worked of course, because that’s not how it goes. But I have dated guys who honestly couldn’t give a shit either way how I felt. How I felt about what they were doing to me. Getting brushed off or being told that you are “imagining things” tends to fuck your mental up when it comes down to expressing your feelings to somebody you are suppose to love.
After my son’s father, I was so jaded. I wasn’t interested in dating, relationships or men in general. I simply wanted to be alone with my son. Honestly, at that point if buying cats and just living the rest of my days alone was an option, I would of taken it. I flirted and talked to guys, but I wasn’t willing to extend my heart out there again. I was totally over it. Yet, no matter how much I tried to live my life in complete solitude, I fell for someone else. And like all the others from before, I had high anticipations. I put my all into it and I did everything right. Or so I believed. But it wasn’t until years afterwards, I started to realize that, maybe I was seeing something that wasn’t meant to be. So I slowly began to detach myself from him and found every reason to let those feelings go. Then I met another guy towards the end of 2013, and we dated up until the summer of 2014. It wasn’t until that breakup that I realized that I still held feelings for the other guy. Only I knew that eventually those feelings would dissipate, because we both are in different stages in our lives. We both carry baggage that I don’t believe either of us are ready to deal with. As much as I want it, it wouldn’t work.
Years afterward, I am still working out my past relationship issues. By writing it out (and possibly sharing it), I can ultimately close a lot of old chapters in my life. At this moment I am not dating and I am not quite open to date right at present. I thought I was but I am still dealing with feelings that hasn’t died down yet, or if they ever will. I guess I am writing this because I needed to. I needed to see my thoughts out in front of me. I needed to see if I was brave enough to expose just a little bit of something so sacred to me. I am a lover. A lover of life, of family, of nature, equality. I love all things that breathes just a little life into me. We will in life, love things that isn’t good for us, but it takes a strong heart to continue to do so.