Sometimes I feel like I am holding on to something that is magical. A connection that only a few people ever get to experience. But there have been moments that I felt like I am wasting my time, waiting for you. Maybe that is my fault, maybe that is your fault.
I never been in this situation before. You know, the feeling that maybe I was wrong about someone. But I have been wrong about men before. Not so much that they didn’t love me, just that they weren’t the right ones for me. The level of disappointment is new this time. The buildup, the flirtation, the conversations that just seem to be all for nothing. Maybe I should have counted my losses and moved on years ago.
Sometimes I wonder if you really know what you have done to me? You’ve ruined me, but you also awaken me. You broke me but you also enlightened me, you destroyed what I thought I knew what love was and but you showed me what loyalty was.
Sometimes it is the inconsistency that I try to ignore. I make up excuses and reasons to others who try to convince me that I am only making a fool of myself. “You will get your heart-broken..” and still, I still hold on and try to make things appear as good as it seems. And I have nothing to show for it. You aren’t the person that you used to be, a person of laughter, happiness, ambition and courage.
You have completely shut off emotionally, But I understand why. Maybe I am one of the few that do. And I don’t judge you for it, I can’t hate you for it. I just want you to be the person that I have known you to be. The man you were meant to be.
You put up your defenses and you pretend you don’t feel what you and I both know is real. But maybe pretending that it doesn’t exist helps you keep this illusion alive. This charade that you are a emotion-less guy who needs no one but himself. Maybe the signs were always there and I chose to ignore them because I thought maybe it would pass. The frustration from this situation is hard to ignore, the frustration with myself is what keeps me wondering if this was ever really worth it.
I know you are not doing this on purpose, it’s a defense mechanism. To protect yourself and what you feel that you could do to me. I get it. But it doesn’t hurt any less. It doesn’t make me feel any better about this situation, but it does make me want to help you. Help you get through this hurt you are suffering from. But I know in due time, you will help yourself. Patience is key.
I know that feelings can’t be manipulated or altered and you can’t make a person feel for you what you feel for them. So I tried to move on with other men, hoping to find you in them. Maybe that’s what you’ve been doing too. Do they love you like you want to be love? Do they understand you the way you want to be understood? Are they there for you when you need them the most? Do you think about them when you know they are thinking about you? How has that been working out for you? It doesn’t work for me. I like them and they are fun, but I don’t want them. But that doesn’t mean that I can continue to tolerate being second best or ol’ reliable when it doesn’t work out with your other endeavors.
I stopped looking for Prince Charming, I wasn’t looking for a hero. I was looking for someone who gets me. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Maybe it is a Poetic Justice in a sense. For the men that I have love and left so many times before. The fear that I have felt when they wanted more, that I wasn’t ready to show them, give them. Maybe this is a divine intervention to teach me that I have to learn how to love myself first and to learn how to accept the things we have no control over. How poetic in an ironic way..
I don’t blame you for not being ready, maybe I am not ready either. I thought I was. Maybe I am ready but for someone else. Maybe I am going through a midlife crisis, maybe I don’t know what love is. Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t love you, maybe I do. Maybe this is all a dream and we will both wake up and not have a recollection of each other. All the laughs, the memories, the good and bad times just goes ……. all away. Maybe.