Reflect, Learn, Grow, And Let It Go
I had to give myself permission to write this post because this has been a long time coming. This isn’t a post in any way to bash anyone, HOWEVER, this is my truth and this is to expose a tormentor for who they really are. Maybe she will read this and maybe she won’t (I doubt it), but this isn’t for her. This is my declaration of liberation. To let go of all the animosity that I have had for this person for so long. I have no intention on ever being friends with this individual again, not even of a cordial setting. I just want this to be over. FOREVER.
When I first began this website in July of 2015, I had every thought and intention of chronicling my life as it is today. My journey on turning 30, my thoughts on Love, Life, Current Events, things that I consider important to me. This site was create specifically for me and about me, as I continue to discover who I am as a Black woman. I understand that as I make myself vulnerable by releasing my innermost personal thoughts, it could be criticized by small-minded people. Individuals who don’t have the mental capacity to be a true creative and non judgmental of ART in all forms, because only a TRUE artist knows that art is raw, disturbing and beautiful. I wrote about something that was beautiful, raw and genuinely me. An Open letter that wasn’t actually intended to be made public, but I chose to make it public because it was therapeutic for me. And I have never hid my feelings towards the person the letter was inspired by, HOWEVER, someone chose to make light of a situation that they didn’t have a clear understanding of and took the opportunity to make art, an ugly thing. I never realized that my love life meant so much to people who claim to have a life of their own.
Since this post is all about honesty, I am about to get real honest with my readers about the jealousy that I have endured in the last six years and it has all been over a guy.
I like a guy. A lot. Well–I like a lot of people. I am a people’s person. I like talking about goals and dreams, I like joking around with people, I love laughing, and I like getting to know people in their most intimate moments and them with me. I have never had an issue to where I feel that I was boxed into a corner, or that I couldn’t be my authentic self because someone couldn’t manage to make friends but enemies. This is what I have been feeling for the last couple of years. This person needs to know just how much they have brought nothing but complete hell to me. When I met this individual back in 2010, I didn’t think twice about being their friend. They gave me the impression that they were of good intentions and an overall good person. But it was not too long after meeting this person that we had our first feud, over something so inconsequential and stupid. When I first met this person, she was creating dance videos on YouTube along with two other women that I had met around that time. I am the first to admit that I am not a dancer, like at all. Anyway.. When I was asked who I thought had the better video, I picked one of the other girls , which unknowingly to me was the wrong answer. That alone caused a rift between me and this individual that remain very much alive today. Six years later. Time does heal all wounds, but if only you have the time to heal. Some people, such as myself, forgives but in my own time. I can’t be rushed and I can’t be pressured into forgiving a person before I am ready. It only creates resentment in me. Between the times of dealing with this person, fighting and forgiving, repeatedly, I started to grow close to someone else who knew how to be a real friend. And although, people don’t know the depths of our friendship, it was a sign of normalcy that many of my friends really didn’t give a shit. Which made it all the better for me because he is a normal as any one else. I have dated guys of all backgrounds because I wasn’t looking for any one specific type of man. But I have always been drawn to the heart of an artist. The heart of ART. The vulnerability that an artist allows themselves to have in order to create something for the world, a gift. Now I have made friends with people who can and can not understand what I mean by the heart of ART and that has never put any level of strain on our friendship. I never fully understood why so many women would be concerned, over me liking someone.
Throughout the six-year span of my friendship with this guy, the same on-again, off-again “frienemy” played a huge part in the lies and rumors that was being spread about me, concerning him. From befriending people who I have had falling outs with, to telling them factitious lies that only continue to be spread because this person and I had a “history” together. There were many times, my friendship with this guy was tested and close to being destroyed. Which would probably make this person extremely happy, because she is a complete narcissist. But throughout it all, we still remain close. In many moments as much as she may want to believe she was spoken about to him, neither one of us cared enough of her to speak about her. But he was well aware of what was being said, lies and all. There was also a moment in 2013, where I was called out as a liar over something that this girl was publicly known for doing. Harassing people online. And the person she was harassing online–at the time, was not just an average man and his wife was not just an average woman. This couple is the uncle and aunt of my friend. She wrote a blog bashing myself in a defamatory way. She called me all sorts of names under the sun, accused me of making up stories about her, and even when as far as coercing another girl to making up a horrible lie that was later admitted to not being true. However, what I had accused her of doing was true and it was proven by a tweet (she apparently forgot about) that was–in an ironic sense of karma–a “hand-written confession” of all the things that she said I lied about. I have never written about this situation before, but I decided to talk about it because if there is ever a time to tell the truth about someone, it is now. She didn’t take the time out to consider that as much as she hated me, she was hurting him in the process. She just didn’t care. She would smile in his face and at the same time, throw him right under the bus along with me. But even then, at the most tumultuous of times, we still remain close.
But throughout the years, she wasn’t the only one to made attempts to destroy this friendship with the hopes of destroying my spirits as well. She was only the beginning. The truly sad part about this whole situation is that, every other woman who has had an issue with me liking this guy has all been friends with her at one moment or another. And I never had so many WOMEN try to intervene and destroy something that had nothing to do with them in the first place. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why women would be so uptight and angry over something that they claim wasn’t real to begin with. Why would the way a woman expresses themselves about a man that they like, bother another woman so much? Why the idea that maybe there is something deeper than the eye can see, frustrate someone to the point that they would make up ugly and tactless lies? The only answer that make sense to me and to all the other people who have witness this after all these years is…pure, unadulterated Jealousy and Envy. I’ve dated and I have been in love many times and this was the first time that multiple women wanted to be the cause of breaking up a friendship that they claim is only “one-sided”. Anything that is worth being envied over can’t be fake. And through out it all….he is still there, in my life and I am in his. All I ever been guilty of was making friends with someone who I eventually grew feelings for. It took me some real soul-searching to realize that it was never about me, but about him. They all wanted him for themselves. But they never really had a chance, and it would never work out for them, no matter how much they try. They don’t see him as the man that he is. They see him as a prize possession. Real recognize real. So to put it all in a nutshell…. WE. ARE. GOOD.
Creating this website has been a real blessing for me in more than one way. Never would I have guessed that my thoughts would impact the amount of people who it has. It’s been a real journey for me. And I have been blessed to work with beautiful people in a beautiful company, a blog website called Hollywood Unlocked with my Editor-In-chief and Founder Jason Lee of Love and Hip Hop: Hollywood. I was blessed with this internship turned opportunity of a lifetime because of my skills and writing flair. Which is funny, seeing as how the same female who has had such an issue over me and my “LOVE LIFE” has also deliberately attempt to tear down my talent–my god-given talent– of writing. Nit Picking over grammar errors and other insignificant things just to make herself feel better about her own failures and weaknesses. I have done a lot of things in my life during the last 10 years because my mother has always instil into me and my siblings that if you ever want anything that is worthy and real, you have to work long and hard for it. I don’t take not one person or opportunity I have come across for granted because they are a reflection of my hard work. Some people will never have the endurance to see things to the end, they will watch you with nothing but covetousness in their hearts. They will do what they see you do and then get upset when it doesn’t work for them. Bad hearts could never produce God’s favor.
Writing this post brings a lot of peace BACK into my life. I was holding in so much irritation and anger because I didn’t want people to see that they have gotten to me in that way. Which is one of the things a writer is NOT supposed to do, let others dictate how you feel and how you express yourself. I also want people to understand that there so many types of bullying and the worst type of bully is the one who feels that their actions are justifiable and warranted, simply because the person doesn’t want to be friends anymore. It is not okay and no one should suffer from it as long as I have. And no one should be a victim of torment and harassment because you don’t like the person they choose to be friends with.