30 Years Down…

Year Thirty.

Thirty years.

That’s how long I’ve been alive. I have seen and heard so many things in my lifetime and now I begin something new. A new chapter, a new lease on life. My life. I wanted to take a break from the normal nature of this site to celebrate this monumental day for me. Not a lot of people see their 30th birthday, not even their 21st or even their 18th birthday. I thought I would feel a sense of regret turning 30, but I don’t. I am grateful and blessed. I have my family and my friends, my budding career and my love for learning. But I wasn’t always this grateful, because there were moments where I was not optimistic about my future or the future of my child. Four years ago in April, I experienced something that I never thought I could ever come from under. I was embarrassed, ashamed and angry. So very angry at my family, my situation and God. I was mad at God because I knew my immediate family in no way shape or form deserved the hand we were dealt with. I didn’t understand why this was happening to us. Why this was happening to me.

In October of 2012, My mother, my siblings, my 1-year-old baby and myself lost our place of 16 years. I moved there when I was 9 years old. I finished elementary, middle and high school there. I went to College, met my son’s father and had my child there. It was home for us, and it was the only place we really knew. But that saga, that era came to an end on October 11, 2012. 10/11/12 With no place to go, we all moved into my Grandmother’s home in the Bronx. My two aunts and their families were already living there and now my family was too. My Grandmother wanted to help as much as she could, but her illness made her so fragile and frail. It was only two months later, when my Grandmother transitioned and we haven’t even cope with losing our home before we lost the one person who kept the family together. January, February, March and April of 2013 were hell. The closest thing to being in hell on earth as I would describe it. My aunt (My mother’s youngest sister) brought nothing but turmoil and friction into what used to be our sanctuary, our safe haven. By April 1, my aunt had taken legal proceedings to have us removed from my Grandmother’s home, although she didn’t have the legal precedent to do so. We once again, lost our home. By April 3, 2013, my family minus two were living in a homeless shelter. My mother, my youngest brother and two sisters were separated from my son and I. It took me almost four years to get up from out of that hell hole into the warming home that I live in today. I struggled, I cried, and I was angry. I was depressed, grief-stricken but mainly angry. I haven’t cope with losing my home of almost 20 years, or losing my grandmother, before I was forced to be the strongest that I have ever had to be my entire life and it was so hard. All before Thirty.

I gained and lost many friends. Some has absolutely no idea of the shit I went through during the last four years of my life. I guess they will now. I loved people who didn’t love me as unconditionally as I loved them, because my shadow self was too much for them to handle. People never really tried to learn the real Megan and what she was really about. People took me for face value and when I made the attempt to open up, it was something they couldn’t deal with. It hurt at that time, opening up to those who couldn’t open back up to me. Falling in love with people who couldn’t love me back, let alone love themselves. But I knew there would be a time when I would wake up one morning and not want to beg anyone to be in my life. That day happen in December of 2016. I am not sure when the transitioning happened or even why. I just woke up one day as though I was living in a bad dream and I was finally free. I never realize how appetizing freedom can really be. I don’t hold any grudges with anyone, anymore and I don’t hold ill will towards them neither.

In the last two months, I have seen such a huge improvement in my life. I have been so focused on other people and things, that I almost forgot what it was like to be a woman. Soft, Delicate and Sensual. I have given so much of myself that I forgot that in order to take care of others, I have to take care of myself first. I finally put my career before love and it was much easier than I thought it would be. I stopped extending myself out to people who couldn’t even ask me if I was okay. I took the bull by the horns because I knew that once I do turn 30, there would be no excuses good enough to not get shit done. I knew that by 30, I would not be satisfied with NOT accomplishing my goals in life.

During the first 30 years of my life I have seen it all. I have met some of the most beautiful of people, people who will hold a piece of my heart forever. The same heart that has been broken many times before. I have witness some of the most tragic of events, September 11th, Hurricane Katrina, Donald Trump’s Election.. I’ve witnessed both Michael Jackson and Prince amazed their audience for decades, and I also watched America sworn in their first African-American president..twice. I lived through Four decades: 1980s, 1990s, 2000s, 2010s, Two centuries: 1900s, 2000s  and Two millennium: 1st and 2nd AD all before turning thirty. I became a mother and an aunt all before turning thirty.

Now as I approach the next stage of my life and as I continue to build a name for myself, I have a few things that I would love to accomplish in the next ten years. A few people I would love to work with, dreams that I need to see come true. I watch Viola Davis win her first Oscar last night and her speech was nothing short admirable.

“You know there’s one place that all the people with the greatest potential are gathered—one place, and that’s the graveyard. People ask me all the time, ‘What kind of stories do you want to tell, Viola?’ And I say, exhume those bodies. Exhume those stories. The stories of the people who dreamed big and never saw those dreams to fruition. People who fell in love and lost.”

I don’t want to be one of those people in the graveyard , wishing that I have done all that I could to make those dreams a reality. That is my declaration for the next ten years of my life. “To do whatever is necessary and to hell with whoever don’t like it.”  The old me is dead and gone now and I guess just like a Phoenix, I have to burn to ashes to be reborn from it.   I can talk about that I’ve been through now because this is my burning letter. This is my end. I have no intentions on carrying this burden any longer after this point. This is my rebirth. My new beginning. Cheers to my next thirty years.